Pros & Cons of the Course

I learned SO much from this class over the span of the semester, and I really felt like I implemented a lot of changes into how I interacted with others. I loved how easy it was to grasp the concepts, because it can get so overwhelming when it's incomprehensible. Also, being able to read what others were saying and seeing how similar I was to them in many ways was reassuring that we all go through trials but can learn from them. The only thing that I struggled with was remembering to span out the posts every 12 hours, but that was something that was fully my responsibility. I have already recommended this class to many others, because I think that if we all learned how to have more constructive conflicts the world would function a lot smoother. Plus, I sometimes feel like courses that I have taken go in one ear and out the other, but this class really got me hooked and I wanted to learn more.

Chapter 16 Post 1

I think that people have such negative views of conflict because of past experiences when they didn’t know how to have constructive arguments and would just end up getting angry and frustrated…most of the time relationships end because of arguments or going over the same disagreement over and over again and getting no resolution that will get them to the same goal.  Honestly, after learning more about conflict after this class I do fear it less. Sure, I make the same mistakes sometimes but I have more of an understanding as to why I do those things or choose those words, which is helpful for everyone involved. I feel like it’s that way with everything, the more you know about a topic the less you’re afraid to speak up on it and you feel more powerful/knowledgeable. Everyone thinks fights or arguments are bad and mean that you have a unhealthy relationship, when in actuality you can disagree and really grow together instead of apart…but it takes effort and understanding.

Week 11 Post 2

When have false attributions you have made about another exacerbated a conflict situation?  Have there been times when making accurate attributions about the other has helped you?

I definitely do make mistakes and have false attributions about others, but I think I'm getting better. I would tend to blame everyone else for mistakes and fights, and fail to see my own shortcomings. This would lead to long and drawn out conflicts that would never truly be resolved. That was when I was extremely immature and would not want to admit that I was doing something wrong or not wise. Now I feel like I can steer clear of that and be able to do more accurate attributions than false. But there are times when I make accurate attributions and I can end up learning something new about someone or they can teach me a skill, etc. When I know someone is good and can lead me in the right direction, I like to get their advice or learn how they cope with certain situations. I hope that if someone saw that in me that they would feel the same way and want to grow.

Week 11 Post 1

After searching the terms forgiveness, reconciliation and revenge, the results for revenge were so much higher that it actually kind of shocked me. I do think that it was increased a bit more because there is a show titled "Revenge" so that was mixed in there, but a lot of the time I feel like our society is so focused on getting revenge. But having the ability to forgive someone and reconcile, and that's not saying you're weak or that your relationship would be the same, is so much more fulfilling that just seeking out to get revenge on someone. Revenge is also probably easier to most people than to work through an issue and truly let it go and move on, which is sad because if they were to do that instead of being vindictive then their lives would prove to be much more rewarding. There were a lot of "revenge ideas" for people who have wronged you when I searched, and it wasn't uplifting. For forgiveness and reconciliation it was more helpful links on how to achieve it. I guess I worry that not enough people are searching those two terms and going more for revenge, which is why there can be so much violence in our world.

Week 10 Post 3

A concept that stood out to me in this week’s reading was the idea of victimization, and how people can use that to be manipulative. I am a firm believer in there is your side, their side, and the truth. I have known many people in my life who have stuck to their own side, and played the victim card. While there are some who are truly victims of abuse (physical or mental), it really bothers me when some try and wrongfully make themselves the victims. If you are at fault, own it and I guarantee there will be more respect for you in the end…but when someone plays the “whoa is me” angle over and over again, those around them begin to see it and their validity is gone. Some honestly might even believe they are wronged because they are so deep into a self-centered orientation, which makes it harder to break through to.

Week 10 Post 2

Forgiveness is something that I used to not be able to find, but as I’m maturing I now look back on issues I had and they just seem trivial now…I have moved on from my high school group of friends who I constantly was bickering with and after we parted ways I didn’t think I would forgive them. It had to do with a breakup with my old boyfriend which didn’t end so well, and over the course of a few months when I began seeing my now-fiancé they basically chose him over me. Initially I was very hurt, and I decided that cutting off the communication is what needed to happen. Whenever I would hear about them it would set off a twinge of angst inside of me because I felt that they had betrayed me. But I realize now what I was feeling was sadness because I was losing friendships that had meant a lot to me, but now I see why that had to happen. Some of them reach out to me from time to time, and I wish them nothing but the best, but now I have friendships that are much deeper and where I am headed now.

Week 10, Post 1

I am happy to say that this answer has definitely changed for me over the past couple of years…before it was about what I was pretending to be (going to parties, trying to look “cool”) but since being with my fiancé my Facebook has changed into who I really am. I think if someone read my Facebook they would see someone who is growing and making wise decisions, that really cares for her family and friends. I have actually deleted posts that were inappropriate because I think about (now, not before) how I want future employers to see me. Relating this back to communication and conflict is easy, because we can be self-centered or more focused on our relationships and how we affect others…I don’t post personal statuses attacking others because I know that that can be painful. There needs to be more of a filter on Facebook just like in our daily lives.

Week 9 Post 3

I loved learning about anger as a second emotion, and that there was always something deeper than we were understanding in that moment. So many times I have gotten angry but really I was just hurt or upset about something they had done beforehand. When the book said that fear was the emotion that occurs the most because we feel threatened, I see how anger can come out as a defensive maneuver. Some of the most insecure people can be the most violent, which is why many people get themselves into trouble because they are trying to indentify themselves in something else (i.e. a gang, a clique, etc.) Like when I’m at work and get upset, it could even be that I am afraid for their safety or that they aren’t learning to listen to me and I’m not getting through. We are so complex as individuals that the fact that there is an emotion beneath the surface is not surprising to me.

Week 9 Post 2

This question really made me think back to when I used to be a person who (when really upset) would yell and use extremely defensive behavior when in a fight…I’m happy that now when I am in a fight with someone, 99% of the time I am able to stay calm. Sure, there might be a more harsh tone, but for the most part I am calm. I find that when I yell, I end up feeling really badly about it and regret it, so I have cut that out of my conflict style. When I bottle up emotions, that’s when the anger builds up and I find remaining calm to be more challenging. I have to be mindful and be able to think ahead to what I’m going to say while still listening to the other person. It’s not easy, but it is definitely worth it in the end because the respect is still there between me and the other person. Plus, remaining calm while someone else is blowing up and yelling maintains your own dignity and they usually realize that the yelling didn’t help the situation in the slightest

Week 9 Post 1

My work commitments and schoolwork are two things that are a major part of my life, because I’m a fulltime student and a nanny 4 days a week. The first solution would be to make a distinction between work and play. This would work for me if after work or school I came home and did something that I really enjoy (or “play”) such as a craft or taking a walk with my dog and fiancé. The second solution is to try and convince my mind that work and school are just as much fun as play, and make the best out of the situation. I could think of school as expanding my mind and making me a better-rounded individual, and work as a chance to play with kids and learn the ins and outs of caring for them before having kids of my own. The third solution would be to recognize that with joy can come pain, but also that when I am having a hard day at work I will also find happiness in it.

Week 7 Post 2

Having now been in a healthy, balanced relationship for over 2 years I can see how terrible past relationships were when they were unbalanced. When I was in control, it made me feel terrible because then I felt like I was dominating the relationship. But when you are powerless, that can almost feel worse...I have never been in an abusive relationship, but there were times I felt weak and confused because I knew I didn't have the "say" that I needed in order to be happy. With more power, yes you get what you want, but it wasn't who I wanted to be. With balance, you know that there is work in the relationship but it is worth it in the end because both parties will be happy and be a team. This goes for more than just romantic relationships, if you know your friend or loved one has more power over you, then you stop standing up for yourself and what is right. It will be hard to stand up to those who have power of us, but it will help us be stronger in the end.

Week 7 Post 1

Dealing with the issue of trust is something that I have been up against this past week with a family member on my fiance's side of the family. She had taken complete advantage of his younger sister and stole from her, and I wanted to protect my sister-in-law. The cousin denied, denied, denied and even tried to put blame on his sister. This happened several months ago, and my sister-in-law hates confrontation so she totally let her get away without any sort of conversation about it. With our wedding coming up, my fiance and I agreed that the trust was lost in his cousin and we didn't trust her on our big day with gifts and money easily accessible. It makes me very sad because she and I used to get along great, and with her now trying to get back into the family unit without an apology is upsetting to me. In order for trust to be restored, she has to have an open conversation with us and be able to own up to what she did. Without that acknowledgement of her stealing from my sister-in-law, I think trust would be hard to get back again. But we all know that life is short, and with proper apologies and working on trust again, we will gladly accept her apology and move forward.

Week 5 Post 3

What I wanted to pull out of the text is the question of: how do you teach someone to be a better listener? One of my best friends is notorious for not listening, and she's the type of conversationalist where you know she's not listening and she's thinking of what she's saying next...love her, but it drives me crazy sometimes! And I have told her before that she wasn't listening to me, and she apologizes and says she's working on it (so, she knows) but she always goes back to it. She's the best example of this that I have in my life now, but I've come across bad listeners at many other times of my life. What I need to do with my friend, and should do in the future, is to tell her to stop and really absorb what someone is telling you. I think people would be surprised if they listened because they would really find out some wonderful and interesting things. Another piece of advice I would give them is to gather their thoughts beforehand if they knew it'd be a big talk, or to simply say to the other person, "I have a hard time listening, it's not you I promise, so please tell me if I seem to not be giving you my full attention!" If someone told me that, I would probably laugh and have a more beneficial conversation with them! It's a tough question, because everyone is different, but I hope that these pieces of advice will help.

Week 5 Post 2

I was really happy to have this question, because this is something I think about often! I have discovered recently, that when others talk I find my thoughts totally drifting off on what I need to do that day, something that reminded me of another thing, etc. And I feel horribly because it’s really not that their boring me (well, on rare occasions I might be if I’m being honest), but because I have to really focus! I’m a daydreamer, and I’ve noticed myself doing that more and more as I’ve gotten older. I can say though, if someone is confiding in me or I know this talk is “important” then I really hone in on what they’re saying. Ninety-percent of the time I could write down most of what someone has told me, but there at the times that I drift off into “la la land”. I’m so glad this question was brought up, because I think being more aware of the fact that I do it will help me to really focus on when someone is talking to me!

Week 5 Post 1

I think that when it comes to stopping a conflict, I’m a work in progress…I do find myself less likely to start a conflict, but I can drag it on once it has begun. I am naturally a defensive person, but I’m starting to realize that I should be open to constructive criticism on how to make myself a better person. But I do think before I speak, which I have learned because of negative situations where I blurted out an insulting statement that has broken relationships. It’s easy to advise someone, “Think before you speak”, I believe that this statement is used often for a reason. When you feel yourself getting into an argument or conflict, think about the line you don’t want to cross and what you would like to get out of this (an apology, a new place in the relationship, etc.) I find that to be helpful, and when I don’t do that I try and continue to listen but I also start an inner dialogue in my head to remain calm and to be constructive versus destructive. I have found that people are more receptive when the volume of your voice is low and the tone is natural, and you are remaining calm. But listening is always helpful, and being mindful is key.

Week 4 Post 3

I would like to discuss the idea of arbitration, which is when a neutral third party makes a decision for the two sides and how they are bound to that agreement. To have people agree on, “Okay, whatever they come up with, we will follow”, is an interesting idea that could really get people to a new place. Unlike a court case, this cannot be appealed, and this is the final verdict. I think a lot of times, I feel like I can look into a situation (as many people probably do) and think that I could come up with a solution for those two people. If given the opportunity to have them agree that after hearing both sides there would be an absolute result made by me, I think that real progress could be made. Most people would still try to oppose it, but I think that if two people were willing to take the chance it would make a huge difference for them and their dispute.

Week 4 Post 2

--> I love the idea of fractionation because sometimes the problems just seem too deep and have too many layers that some might not deal with it because they think it’ll be too difficult. But if it’s broken down into smaller issues, piece by piece, I think that there can be great progress there. I could really see myself using that, even with issues I see brought up on a daily basis. Huge problems don’t happen overnight, there are many little cracks that lead to this large fissure. With framing, I think that diverting questions and blame away from the task at hand it can really bring the stress and tension down in the room (which is always helpful). After someone says, “You just aren’t happy with me at all, aren’t you!?”, as a mediator you could frame it again and say, “What would make you happier?” if you were trying to reframe. Finally, I would use common ground to remind the disputers how they even met in the first place, and that at some point there wasn’t all this hatred and drama. With that in the forefront of their minds, they could resolve issues a lot quicker without all the negativity surrounding them.

Week 4 Post 1

--> It makes total sense to me that a communication major would make a good mediator for many reasons. First of all, we are learning how to resolve conflicts in alternate ways, without resorting to physical or verbal abuse. We also are learning how to listen to others and then communicate the correct way, being able to get our point across while trying to still be respectful. I think that sometimes people forget how important our words are and how powerful they can be when used in the right way, or how detrimental it can be when they are not. Lawyers wouldn’t make as effective of mediators because they are totally one-sided, the side of their client and who is paying them. You wouldn’t make a very good lawyer if they flip-flopped and went against their client in the courtroom. And psychotherapists would have a harder time as well because they would try and solve it, instead of letting the disputing pair come to their own agreement. So, overall, I think that we as communication studies majors are at an advantage with the task of mediation.

Week 3 Post 3

What I wanted to pull out of the text to discuss and relate to my life is the idea of avoiding early compromise. The first sentence jumped out at me and stated, "All too often, conflicting parties are too quick to compromise, when greater effort would produce a solution that completely satisfies both of them" (56). While some close to me might disagree, I think that sometimes I do this too often. It's not my go-to resolution for conflicts, but it does bother me when I do do it. And I often wonder, "Is this even helping the situation if I just try and smooth it over now?" There are instances where, yes, it should be dropped but then there are other cases where if I do drop it it might bring in resentment, etc. People need to speak up about what they want in life, because life is too short to not express how you truly feel. I know so many people who gunny-sack, or store up emotions until they explode, and it's not beneficial for anyone. I have a friend who says that she and her boyfriend never fight or argue (which I don't buy) and I always think that that means that she's putting away anger until one day she's going to freak out. I don't say this to her because if she wants to paint her relationship that way, that's her deal, not mine. But I wouldn't think of her relationship any less if she was honest with me, because I think the more you're with someone the more you could disagree. All in all, be honest and speak up, and truly resolve issues before they become something bigger.

Week 3 Post 2

--> Personally, I have known many people who have been taught this sort of “discipline” in the forms of wooden spoons, spanking, etc. I was only spanked once as a child, as was my brother. My dad tells us now that he walked away from it feeling like he didn’t make a positive influence on us, and that he didn’t use that for us again. What I believe the difference is between abuse and discipline is the parent’s mindset behind the entire thing. If the spank is happening because the parent is enraged and they want to take out their frustration with their kids by physically punishing them, there’s an issue there. But I have seen some kids who literally do not listen to a word their parents say (or yell) at them. If a parent has thought long and hard about if bringing spanking into their discipline routine and have determined that is what will work for their child, that is up to them. When they overstep is when a child is now living in fear of whether or not their parents are going to fly off the handle and hurt them at any given point. I think that children should always think their parents are in charge of them and will discipline them when necessary, but I think that it is counterproductive and harmful when a parent has now made their child afraid of their safety.

Week 3 Post 1

--> If someone had asked me what type of orientation I favored over another before I met my fiancé, I would have definitely said a self-centered orientation. But in order for our relationship to grow and thrive, and disagreements happen the closer you become, I had to change that. I now have to have a relationship-centered orientation and learn the important tool of compromise. When I keep that in mind, I find that the outcomes come about quicker and without hurtful words. But I know that there are exceptions when I lose site of that, or he does, and we think about ourselves. But apart from him, I still try to be relationship-centered, but with friends and family I can feel more defensive and self-centered orientation. That is something I need to work on because life is too short for petty fights that take away from the relationship. I know that if I did that more, I would find those disagreements to help strengthen bonds instead of damaging them.

Week 2 Post 3

Although it wasn’t a huge part of Chapter 1, emotional residues jumped out at me while I was reading. Without going into too much detail on the back-story, there is a couple in my life (my in-laws) that are the living, breathing example of this idea. Emotional residue is basically when a person is unhappy in a relationship and makes them want a change in that connection. Arguments are constant, and they just don’t care anymore. It’s always about their pride and egos, and not wanting to back down and “lose”. I was watching a television show and a couple was in counseling, and their therapist said, “If you want to win as an individual, you will lose as a couple.” That stayed with me, and I try to keep that in mind when conflicts arise between my fiancé and I. What I took away from reading about emotional residues that I hope to pass onto my in-laws are that these problems must be dealt with and their relationship must be managed in a more positive and healthy way.

Week 2 Post 2

My biggest problem with taking a non-process view is not taking a person’s progress into account. In the moment, if they are bad, then they will remain bad (in my eyes). But maybe they have come a long way, or had a problematic childhood where a good example wasn’t present. I’m known to think, “Okay, you screwed me over, we don’t need to talk anymore”. While this has weeded out some bad people out of my life, I’ve probably shut out people who need to get through a certain stage to become a better individual. With that being said, I think that I can give people the chance to change and develop, and possibly work through a history of patterns with them to break a bad cycle. I also need to see the big picture instead of a snapshot in time where they could be failing. We are all constantly changing and evolving, and we all need some slack every once and while.

Week 2 Post 1

Before reading this chapter, I would say that conflict is learned from growing up and what environment we are raised in, but my view has changed a bit. I loved when the book stated, “Conflict exists as a fact of life, but we believe violence does not” (Abigail 3). I have always thought conflict equals anger or violence, but in reality it can be as simple as not seeing eye-to-eye with someone. I believe having opinions, and then having someone not agree with it, is only natural because we are individuals. Figuring out if it is a valuable asset is more subjective, in my opinion, because someone could handle a disagreement well while another people could turn hostile in that kind of situation. At the end of this chapter, what I walked away with was that conflict doesn’t have to mean a screaming match (although some handle it that way), there are times when our goals don’t match up and we must deal with that in a positive manner. As I’ve learned in other courses that aren’t dealing with conflict, healthy communication is key to any relationship.

A Little Bit About Me...

Hello! Finding an "alias" proved to be a bit challenging, so I picked a name with something I aim to be - happy go lucky (which isn't always the case)! I am relatively new to the communications major, I have taken 3 courses so far, and I'm really excited about what I have learned so far! I have gone to a couple different schools, and ended up back at San Jose State (my local school). I have changed my major from prenursing to interior design (still a passion of mine) to communication studies. I love that it is a "general" major in the sense that I can do so many things with it! I'm hoping to still be able to get into decorating and possibly real estate, but I will see where life takes me.

I currently work as a nanny for two wonderful families, and will be getting married in June of next year. I hope to take out of this class a way to deal with conflicts and how to become a better communicator!

- HappyGoLucky