Week 5 Post 3

What I wanted to pull out of the text is the question of: how do you teach someone to be a better listener? One of my best friends is notorious for not listening, and she's the type of conversationalist where you know she's not listening and she's thinking of what she's saying next...love her, but it drives me crazy sometimes! And I have told her before that she wasn't listening to me, and she apologizes and says she's working on it (so, she knows) but she always goes back to it. She's the best example of this that I have in my life now, but I've come across bad listeners at many other times of my life. What I need to do with my friend, and should do in the future, is to tell her to stop and really absorb what someone is telling you. I think people would be surprised if they listened because they would really find out some wonderful and interesting things. Another piece of advice I would give them is to gather their thoughts beforehand if they knew it'd be a big talk, or to simply say to the other person, "I have a hard time listening, it's not you I promise, so please tell me if I seem to not be giving you my full attention!" If someone told me that, I would probably laugh and have a more beneficial conversation with them! It's a tough question, because everyone is different, but I hope that these pieces of advice will help.

Week 5 Post 2

I was really happy to have this question, because this is something I think about often! I have discovered recently, that when others talk I find my thoughts totally drifting off on what I need to do that day, something that reminded me of another thing, etc. And I feel horribly because it’s really not that their boring me (well, on rare occasions I might be if I’m being honest), but because I have to really focus! I’m a daydreamer, and I’ve noticed myself doing that more and more as I’ve gotten older. I can say though, if someone is confiding in me or I know this talk is “important” then I really hone in on what they’re saying. Ninety-percent of the time I could write down most of what someone has told me, but there at the times that I drift off into “la la land”. I’m so glad this question was brought up, because I think being more aware of the fact that I do it will help me to really focus on when someone is talking to me!

Week 5 Post 1

I think that when it comes to stopping a conflict, I’m a work in progress…I do find myself less likely to start a conflict, but I can drag it on once it has begun. I am naturally a defensive person, but I’m starting to realize that I should be open to constructive criticism on how to make myself a better person. But I do think before I speak, which I have learned because of negative situations where I blurted out an insulting statement that has broken relationships. It’s easy to advise someone, “Think before you speak”, I believe that this statement is used often for a reason. When you feel yourself getting into an argument or conflict, think about the line you don’t want to cross and what you would like to get out of this (an apology, a new place in the relationship, etc.) I find that to be helpful, and when I don’t do that I try and continue to listen but I also start an inner dialogue in my head to remain calm and to be constructive versus destructive. I have found that people are more receptive when the volume of your voice is low and the tone is natural, and you are remaining calm. But listening is always helpful, and being mindful is key.

Week 4 Post 3

I would like to discuss the idea of arbitration, which is when a neutral third party makes a decision for the two sides and how they are bound to that agreement. To have people agree on, “Okay, whatever they come up with, we will follow”, is an interesting idea that could really get people to a new place. Unlike a court case, this cannot be appealed, and this is the final verdict. I think a lot of times, I feel like I can look into a situation (as many people probably do) and think that I could come up with a solution for those two people. If given the opportunity to have them agree that after hearing both sides there would be an absolute result made by me, I think that real progress could be made. Most people would still try to oppose it, but I think that if two people were willing to take the chance it would make a huge difference for them and their dispute.

Week 4 Post 2

--> I love the idea of fractionation because sometimes the problems just seem too deep and have too many layers that some might not deal with it because they think it’ll be too difficult. But if it’s broken down into smaller issues, piece by piece, I think that there can be great progress there. I could really see myself using that, even with issues I see brought up on a daily basis. Huge problems don’t happen overnight, there are many little cracks that lead to this large fissure. With framing, I think that diverting questions and blame away from the task at hand it can really bring the stress and tension down in the room (which is always helpful). After someone says, “You just aren’t happy with me at all, aren’t you!?”, as a mediator you could frame it again and say, “What would make you happier?” if you were trying to reframe. Finally, I would use common ground to remind the disputers how they even met in the first place, and that at some point there wasn’t all this hatred and drama. With that in the forefront of their minds, they could resolve issues a lot quicker without all the negativity surrounding them.

Week 4 Post 1

--> It makes total sense to me that a communication major would make a good mediator for many reasons. First of all, we are learning how to resolve conflicts in alternate ways, without resorting to physical or verbal abuse. We also are learning how to listen to others and then communicate the correct way, being able to get our point across while trying to still be respectful. I think that sometimes people forget how important our words are and how powerful they can be when used in the right way, or how detrimental it can be when they are not. Lawyers wouldn’t make as effective of mediators because they are totally one-sided, the side of their client and who is paying them. You wouldn’t make a very good lawyer if they flip-flopped and went against their client in the courtroom. And psychotherapists would have a harder time as well because they would try and solve it, instead of letting the disputing pair come to their own agreement. So, overall, I think that we as communication studies majors are at an advantage with the task of mediation.

Week 3 Post 3

What I wanted to pull out of the text to discuss and relate to my life is the idea of avoiding early compromise. The first sentence jumped out at me and stated, "All too often, conflicting parties are too quick to compromise, when greater effort would produce a solution that completely satisfies both of them" (56). While some close to me might disagree, I think that sometimes I do this too often. It's not my go-to resolution for conflicts, but it does bother me when I do do it. And I often wonder, "Is this even helping the situation if I just try and smooth it over now?" There are instances where, yes, it should be dropped but then there are other cases where if I do drop it it might bring in resentment, etc. People need to speak up about what they want in life, because life is too short to not express how you truly feel. I know so many people who gunny-sack, or store up emotions until they explode, and it's not beneficial for anyone. I have a friend who says that she and her boyfriend never fight or argue (which I don't buy) and I always think that that means that she's putting away anger until one day she's going to freak out. I don't say this to her because if she wants to paint her relationship that way, that's her deal, not mine. But I wouldn't think of her relationship any less if she was honest with me, because I think the more you're with someone the more you could disagree. All in all, be honest and speak up, and truly resolve issues before they become something bigger.

Week 3 Post 2

--> Personally, I have known many people who have been taught this sort of “discipline” in the forms of wooden spoons, spanking, etc. I was only spanked once as a child, as was my brother. My dad tells us now that he walked away from it feeling like he didn’t make a positive influence on us, and that he didn’t use that for us again. What I believe the difference is between abuse and discipline is the parent’s mindset behind the entire thing. If the spank is happening because the parent is enraged and they want to take out their frustration with their kids by physically punishing them, there’s an issue there. But I have seen some kids who literally do not listen to a word their parents say (or yell) at them. If a parent has thought long and hard about if bringing spanking into their discipline routine and have determined that is what will work for their child, that is up to them. When they overstep is when a child is now living in fear of whether or not their parents are going to fly off the handle and hurt them at any given point. I think that children should always think their parents are in charge of them and will discipline them when necessary, but I think that it is counterproductive and harmful when a parent has now made their child afraid of their safety.

Week 3 Post 1

--> If someone had asked me what type of orientation I favored over another before I met my fiancé, I would have definitely said a self-centered orientation. But in order for our relationship to grow and thrive, and disagreements happen the closer you become, I had to change that. I now have to have a relationship-centered orientation and learn the important tool of compromise. When I keep that in mind, I find that the outcomes come about quicker and without hurtful words. But I know that there are exceptions when I lose site of that, or he does, and we think about ourselves. But apart from him, I still try to be relationship-centered, but with friends and family I can feel more defensive and self-centered orientation. That is something I need to work on because life is too short for petty fights that take away from the relationship. I know that if I did that more, I would find those disagreements to help strengthen bonds instead of damaging them.

Week 2 Post 3

Although it wasn’t a huge part of Chapter 1, emotional residues jumped out at me while I was reading. Without going into too much detail on the back-story, there is a couple in my life (my in-laws) that are the living, breathing example of this idea. Emotional residue is basically when a person is unhappy in a relationship and makes them want a change in that connection. Arguments are constant, and they just don’t care anymore. It’s always about their pride and egos, and not wanting to back down and “lose”. I was watching a television show and a couple was in counseling, and their therapist said, “If you want to win as an individual, you will lose as a couple.” That stayed with me, and I try to keep that in mind when conflicts arise between my fiancé and I. What I took away from reading about emotional residues that I hope to pass onto my in-laws are that these problems must be dealt with and their relationship must be managed in a more positive and healthy way.

Week 2 Post 2

My biggest problem with taking a non-process view is not taking a person’s progress into account. In the moment, if they are bad, then they will remain bad (in my eyes). But maybe they have come a long way, or had a problematic childhood where a good example wasn’t present. I’m known to think, “Okay, you screwed me over, we don’t need to talk anymore”. While this has weeded out some bad people out of my life, I’ve probably shut out people who need to get through a certain stage to become a better individual. With that being said, I think that I can give people the chance to change and develop, and possibly work through a history of patterns with them to break a bad cycle. I also need to see the big picture instead of a snapshot in time where they could be failing. We are all constantly changing and evolving, and we all need some slack every once and while.

Week 2 Post 1

Before reading this chapter, I would say that conflict is learned from growing up and what environment we are raised in, but my view has changed a bit. I loved when the book stated, “Conflict exists as a fact of life, but we believe violence does not” (Abigail 3). I have always thought conflict equals anger or violence, but in reality it can be as simple as not seeing eye-to-eye with someone. I believe having opinions, and then having someone not agree with it, is only natural because we are individuals. Figuring out if it is a valuable asset is more subjective, in my opinion, because someone could handle a disagreement well while another people could turn hostile in that kind of situation. At the end of this chapter, what I walked away with was that conflict doesn’t have to mean a screaming match (although some handle it that way), there are times when our goals don’t match up and we must deal with that in a positive manner. As I’ve learned in other courses that aren’t dealing with conflict, healthy communication is key to any relationship.